Q: "I feel awful. I love my husband so much, I’ve never felt anything like this. But I know it hurts him that I don’t feel that way about his daughter. She’s a nice kid and I like her but I don’t love her. I feel that there is definitely something wrong with me. I can see how much she means to my husband and I want to feel the same way."

A: This is a problem that gets in the way so much of the time. Your expectation (and more importantly your husband’s expectation) is that because you love your husband you will automatically love his child. This is an unrealistic expectation of Stepfamily life! It’s as unrealistic as expecting that his daughter will automatically love you because your husband loves you so much. First of all, loving someone comes with time; it’s not a “given." But even more importantly, some of the best Stepparent/Stepchild relationships are not about love at all. You cannot make someone love someone else, and it is not a reflection on either you or your husband. So, understand that you are not a terrible person if you don’t love your partner’s child, and your partner needs to understand that this pressure on you, on him and on the developing relationship will instead turn into anger and resentment over time. Both you and your husband need to let go of expecting love in this situation, as it is a set up for failure and hurt on both of your parts.