There are several excellent books on the Stepfamily. One is by Patricia L. Papernow called “Becoming a Stepfamily” (1993). She explored in detail the emotional stages experienced by members in a stepfamily as they move toward integrating into a workable family. Papernow’s 7 stages are:

1) Fantasy—At the beginning, most adults expect their new Stepfamilies to settle down quickly and begin to function smoothly. This fantasy tends to be short-lived once everyone moves in.

2) Immersion—In this stage, family members feel “immersed” in rough waters rather than floating on calm seas. There is increased negativity as the sense that things are not going well leads to discomfort and tension, which are often continually below the surface. The Stepparent can begin to feel that something is wrong with him or her and the Bioparent can often feel that he/she might have made a mistake.

3) Awareness—There is a growing awareness that some changes are needed. The Stepparents are feeling like outsiders and begin to push for more of a sense of belonging. The Bioparent begins to feel caught in the middle, pulled in two directions by his/her new spouse and children. In times of tension, the family splits along biological lines. Children can often observe these splits and exploit the differences between the couple.

4) Mobilization—This is the time most people come for therapy. There are often many strong emotions and arguments, and the family often splits along biological lines during the chaos, which reinforces the Stepparent as the outsider and the Bioparent as caught in the middle. The Stepparent becomes clear on the need for change and the parent fears that change will bring loss—namely the loss of connection with their child. In this stage, if the Stepparent has no children of his/her own, he or she will feel a great deal of isolation and lack of any support.

5) Action—According to Papernow, it takes an average of 3 to 4 years to reach this stage, which is when the couple begins working together in an attempt to find solutions, form a solid alliance and work as a team to meet the challenges in the family. The Bioparent and the Stepparent realize that the children need the stability of a strong couple and a needed boundary around the couple is now developed, while at the same time the couple respects and responds to the needs of the children.

6) Contact—At this stage, the couple is working well together and there is a closer bonding between the Stepparent and Stepchild. The Stepparent has a definite role with the Stepchildren and boundaries are clear; Stepparents have now become “intimate outsiders."

7) Resolution —The identity of the Stepfamily is secure. There is now a security in the Stepfamily household and cooperation ensues more between the children’s two households. When difficulties arise, the family may regress to earlier stages, but can move ahead quickly to this new norm.

There are common mistakes made in each of these stages that are normal to Stepfamilies. These will be addressed in later articles.