Q: "I hate my ex. She was terrible to me and I cannot stand to hear her voice or to deal with her. I hate it when my daughter talks about her and I want to stop her from even mentioning her name. Then my daughter becomes upset with me. I am miserable! I don’t want to talk to either of them. I ask my daughter to ask her mother things so I don’t have to deal with her, but that is not working either. She tell me I’m putting her in the middle. Am I?"

A: It is so difficult to go through the very painful feelings about your ex and not show them to your daughter, I know. Yet, this is really too much for your child to handle. If you, as an adult, are having trouble with it, imagine how difficult it is for her! She is being caught of you two. Look at her position if you can. She didn’t ask for this, and probably never wanted it. And now she has to worry that she is hurting your feelings and maybe her mother’s, too! It is so much pressure on her. She cannot be in the middle of your negative feelings toward your ex-spouse; it’s not fair for her and she will suffer in this role. As hard as it is, try to learn to deal with your ex as if it is a business arrangement. Therapy and support may be able to help you with setting limits and keeping it very business –like. You will have to deal with your ex for many years in one form or another, and the interactions will be less and less over time. You can help your daughter if you can learn to relate to your ex-wife, if only just about your daughter, and keep your daughter out of the power struggle by not making her a messenger between the two households.